A Beautiful Mistake
by xLaceMeWithWindx
Summary: Recalling moments spent with Remus Lupin isn't always pleasent. . . [Short. Standalone.]


_**A Beautiful Mistake**_

Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series.

Author's Note: This pretty much came out of nowhere.

Dedicated to: Rachel W. because she shares my same love of Remus Lupin.

I met Remus Lupin for the first time when we were sixteen. I had known him for five years, but he had never shown his true self. On the outside, his thick, sandy brown hair always feel into his deep, mournful honey colored eyes. I was always inebriated by his intoxicating laughter and was always taken aback by his cool demeanor. He loved to the extreme, and I couldn't help but marvel at his wit and charm. Yes, he was a physically beautiful person with a beautiful mind, but at the tender age of sixteen, I learned of what he was on the inside. . . a beautiful mistake.

We were sitting on the lush grassy lawn near the lake one sunny September afternoon. The wind devilishly disheveled his perfect hair, flapping it about haphazardly into his eyes, which, at the moment, were full of two emotions he never showed . . . Desire and insecurity. He stared deep into my eyes, and for nearly two hours, he poured him thoughts, wishes, regrets and dreams into my ready ears. His words were like thick, sticky honey, and I was like a gnat, sticking to the substance with obsolete hope of getting out of my sweet trap.

**_He drowns in his dreams  
An exquisite extreme I know_**

There were two things I learned that day. Remus Lupin was a romantic dreamer, and I had, for all of those years, bore a false idol. The boy I had fallen in love with had turned into a man of exquisite manner, and I hadn't noticed. I felt oddly humbled by the thought of the man Remus had turned in to. It made hardly any sense what-so-ever, but I knew he would have blushed had I told him of my feelings. He would have held them as a high compliment.

As the warm air cooled, the late summer day bled into a chilly night. The stars glimmered in the sky and glittered maliciously against the sleek black surface of the lake. The sight of the moon and the stars in the sky, against the backdrop of Scottish mountains and the sinister lake, seemed to bring Remus back down to earth from his romantic dream. He turned to me with reverent eyes, and I sobered up immediately from the giddy high I had been on. His insecurities were in full sway that night.

**_He's as damned as he seems  
And more heaven than a heart could hold_**

He spoke to me of his early childhood. He truly did seem to be as damned as humanly possible by some unknown deity. As he spoke of his tribulations and trials, I marveled over him. He had experienced so much pain in his life. . . His past experiences had been horrendous, yet he still managed to turn into one of the most beautiful, loving people I know. He was truly amazing.

**_And if I try to save him  
My whole world would cave in  
It just ain't right  
Lord, it just ain't right_**

At that point in time, I knew Remus needed something he had never had before. He needed a saving grace and for someone to love him completely. I knew he needed that, it was blatantly obvious, but at that point in my life, although I did love him, I wasn't mature enough for the type of love he would have needed. I myself was only a child of sixteen years, and the love that his disaster required was far too complex for even someone one hundred years of age, let alone a child. He needed what I couldn't give him. Remus Lupin needed unconditional love.

**_Oh and I don't know  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
He's such a beautiful disaster  
And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter  
Lord, would it be beautiful?  
Or just a beautiful disaster_**

I often asked myself what it would have been like if I had given myself up to him. What would have happened had I not told myself that I would only shred his heart before his eyes? There was no way in heaven, earth and hell that I was going to be the reason that the poisons of his brain seeped into the deepest crevices of his heart and dyed them black, attempting to poison them to the point of the rest of his distraught, broken soul.

**_He's magic and myth  
As strange as what I believe_**

Yet, I often wondered what would have happened if I had allowed his enticing being to mingle completely with my own that night. He had stared me down with such a beautiful, fiery passion that my whole being quivered with disastrous aftershock. His sultry honey eyes had bore into my own eyes with that carefully perfected indifference of his, and I could tell that he was inviting me in to explore the depths of his soul. He was soul-seducing me. His romantic dreams were hopeless tragedies that were quickly becoming my own.

**_A tragedy with  
More damage than a soul should see_**

While he stared at me with that breathtaking, sultry expression, my heart stopped beating. My lungs felt like they were preparing to explode in my tightened chest. He moved toward me slowly, and my heart exploded into anticipating palpitations. A small light flickered in the back of my mind. I could give him his love if he could only change. . . But no, that was asking too much. Instead, I merely closed my eyes, anticipating the vain kisses that would raise my adrenaline level and shatter his heart.

**_But do I try to change him  
So hard not to blame him  
Hold me tight  
Baby, hold me tight_**

When his soft, full lips finally did connect with my own thick rosy pair, I was sent to euphoria and back. I had dreamed of this moment for six years, and here he was, the calm, cool and collected one of the group, slipping me the tongue. Oh, how my head spun. The lustful actions were only beginning when he pulled away, apologizing profusely. I shook my head. I was the one that should have been apologizing. I was the one playing with his heart. I was the one that didn't mean it.

**_Oh and I don't know  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
He's such a beautiful disaster  
And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter  
Would it be beautiful?  
Or just a beautiful disaster_**

I sucked in a breath of new air. Never in my life had it been so hard for me to tell a person my feelings. By the time the sun was rising, I had practically told him that I loved him more than anything, but I couldn't be involved with him because I wasn't the one that was meant to cradle his being and love it unconditionally.

**_I'm longing for love and the logical  
But he's only happy hysterical  
I'm searching for some type of miracle  
Waited so long, waited so long_**

His soulful honey eyes filled with tears, and as he bit his kiss swollen lips, his hair flew in the breeze without caution. The love from his eyes morphed to instant betrayal, and I knew that I had crossed the line. He had poured his wonderful soul into my own, and I had merely taken advantage of it. I reached out for him, and my finger tips grazed his silky smooth hand before he pulled himself from my touch completely. I had broken into his spirit and took all I could.

**_He's soft to the touch  
But frayed at the ends he breaks  
He's never enough  
And still he's more than I can take_**

I had tapped into the disaster, and it was taking charge. His honey eyes narrowed at me at a dangerous pace, and he ran a tanned hand through his hair. His other hand found it's way down his toned chest as he straightened his shirt thoughtlessly. As he stood before me, completely broken, my heart went out of my chest. I had caused all of it. I had caused the disaster to overflow . . . I was the reason he stood before me, tears running down his face. He slumped to the ground, and I stood to my feet.

**_Oh and I don't know  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
He's such a beautiful disaster  
And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter  
Would it be beautiful?  
Or would it be a beautiful disaster_**

And I walked away. I left Remus there just the way I had found him . . . sitting on the lush green grass by the lake. His hair danced wildly in the wind, and his honey colored eyes were brooding with indifference, desire and insecurity. Yes, I left Remus Lupin just the way I had found him a beautiful disaster.

**_He's beautiful  
Lord, he's beautiful  
He's beautiful_**

****

Author's Note 2: The song is 'Beautiful Disaster' by Kelly Clarkson. . .**_  
_**


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